This essay has been idly saved on my computer for a month. I wrote this in November. Today is December 28th. I did not post the original version last month because I was afraid. But with a new year around the bend, I decided once again not to let fear of humility stop be from being transparent and honest in order to give others a sense of support and encouragement. We all go through thin times in all areas of life, not just in business. This is intended to be applied to anyone on anything. So, to keep this in real-time,I’ve added my current understandings throughout the essay. The indented paragraphs are a way of showing you my growth through hardship. This post is about the importance of faith and heart through thick and through the hard, thin times.
(Novemeber 2019) Yesterday I painted while listening to a podcast called The Business Boutique with Christy Wright. Usually I work with music on, but I’m really into this podcast right now and for good reason. I’ve been in need of clarity.
When I completed the two paintings I was working on while I was listening to this podcast, I named them “Through Thick and Thin I & II”. The titles are in reference to what I was feeling as I painted and what I was working through by listening to this podcast.
While working from thin layers of paint to thick cushiony coats made by my palette knife, I began to think about going through thick and thin times. Right now, I am pushing my heart to stay faithful through a unfamiliar and uncertain time in my business; a thin time. When I say “thin” I mean the times when we struggle, and “thick” as the times when we feel comfortable. It occurred to me that what we don’t often hear people sharing about are their thin times while they experience their thin times. We usually wait until things are all plushy thick to share about our challenging past. We hear and read success stories told in the past tense and in a specific tone. I totally write this way, too. It’s the “I grew from this, and you can, too” kinda talk. And, while it is really inspiring to hear those stories knowing the person came out good and well in the end, I wondered, what would it mean to hear someone talk about tough times while they experienced them? With that said, we don’t get inspired hearing others complain and sulk. No, this would need to still be a hopeful and inspiring approach. What would it be like to read another’s vulnerable hopefulness without already knowing everything turns out for them? Would it encourage other people to invest more in their own heartfelt hopes if they knew other people, even the bold ones, feel those nervous feelings, too?
This year I’ve had a lot of kind well-wishers congratulating me on my “success", and each time, I am repeatedly left with a blank stare….because I did not realize I’d achieved success. As far as I can tell, I haven’t gotten to that part yet. I haven’t seen the thick end. I don’t even know how and when to use the word “successful” in regards to myself. My progress has been slow and steady…one heart-driven step at a time in the direction toward my goals. And my goals still feel far away.
While “successful” is an objective term and one I don’t yet feel fits me, I now recognize something in that last paragraph that I hadn’t noticed one month ago when I wrote it. I have actually been successfully doing one thing over my 12 years as a full time artist; growing. While success to some is a result, success can also be broken down into little successful baby steps. With every child I’ve made changes to adapt to my life as a self employed mama. And, only 4 years ago I was still running this show all alone from my tiny home studio which had no heat or air, painting under a very offensive florescent light. 4 years ago!! That’s not that long. Boy have things changed in only 4 years. But, they did not change over night. It was a series of successfully taking bold but nerve-wracking steps. Fear or no fear; I took the steps. Today I paint in my renovated home studio, and I own a gallery, and I employ and work with 5 bad ass ladies. All that's not to say I’ve achieved success, but it is to say I have grown. It says that I am capable of doing things that scare me, things that make me uncomfortable.
(Back to November me:) I am struggling with and learning about how to run this new business I have created, and I am telling you that I am currently in a thin place as we speak. And, later, down the road a little, we will see the outcome of my latest ventures. While of course I hope it leads to some kind of payoff, I know that it could lead to something I have not expected or planned for.
Whether it leads to financial success or not, it will lead me somewhere and that means I am still making progress. I am continuing to grow. And that recognition lets me be free of that “fear of failure” everyone talks about because even when we think we’ve failed we still gain something.
As a part of my calling to be a bright spot, I want to tell people when things are tough because that’s the truth. I can’t inspire others by only showing them the pretty parts, the outcomes worth bragging on. It is not authentic to lead others to believe it’s all just peaches and cream. The truth is we have to serve ourselves the thin, watery grits before we get to the rich, hearty meals. We have to show God that we trust the plans He has placed in our hearts and that we are willing to make sacrifices and work our asses off to fulfill them. Yes I just cussed and said God in the same sentence…that’s just me….I’ve got this gritty faith.
Mignon Francois was the guest on that particular episode of Business Boutique I was painting to yesterday. Her story is remarkable. She was truly scraping the bottom of the thin times when she chose to put faith out front. She found that when she was willing to listen to God and follow His instructions with no questions, God was handing her His directions which led her to save her family from poverty and go on to create a very successful bakery biz, The Cupcake Collection. Her walk through faith in business is what struck me. Because I have also given in to that blind trust.
You’re probably hoping I’ll spell out exactly what I’m struggling with in my business. Well, where do I start? It’s about money, mom guilt, exhaustion, burnout…. It’s having high hopes and big plans, but not enough time or money to make it happen as fast as I’d like it to. In 2019 I put so much trust and invested so much money and time in what I felt in my heart. I’ve also worked my ass off this year. And now, as I await the holiday season, I am left wondering if it will all have been worth it; if people will understand and support this unique business model. I’m actually starting to question everything I have been so focused on and excited about and sure of. My anxiety about the future has hit me hard lately. A few nights ago, after I put the children to bed, I found myself crying my eyeballs out at the kitchen counter completely overwhelmed and insecure. Robert, who has put total trust in my vision, pieced me back together and reminded me that we work from the ground up. This year has been hard. It’s been thin. But, I won’t lose my focus. I won’t lose my trust in a heartfelt vision. I have the mentality that if someone else has done it, then so the hell can I. So I keep working and pushing and digging deeper than I ever have before. Because I believe that what it comes down to is our willingness to get uncomfortable. That willingness shows God that we trust His purpose for our life, and we are willing to fulfill it.
I’m so certain God sent Mignon’s words directly into my ears yesterday…literally right into my lil EarPods. I could not ignore her words or mishear them. She verified that my hard work and efforts are not the product of naive hopefulness. I felt reassured knowing that the thick won’t come without the thin. The thin times are not comfortable, and they are not pretty. With bags under my eyes and stress pimples on my face, I can tell you that real hard work is not glamorous or polished. Great achievements come with some bitchin’ blisters. The thing is, the blisters prove you showed up to work, but they don’t guarantee achievement. Just cuz you work hard for something doesn’t mean you will be successful. Faith and heart have to be the real muscle. Faith and heart start you off with a purposeful vision, and faith and heart keep you on track moving towards the vision especially when times get thin. If I throw my shovel down now, when the dirt gets hard and my hands start hurting, I’ll show God that I’m not willing to be get uncomfortable in order to get to the good stuff; that I’m too scared of feeling the thin times; that I don’t trust Him to carry me to His thick rich blessings.
I am beaming with pride when I look at my gallery. I created the space that I imagined, like nothing I’ve ever known of before, but that doesn’t mean that things are peaches and cream. It’s more like watery grits right now. But, despite my nerves, I stand reminded by Christy and Mignon that God does not want me to fail, but He does want to see me show up ready to work. He gave me these high hopes and thick, cushy goals. He planted them deep in my heart. What’s in our hearts is a part of His plan- not ours. So who would we be to ignore that? He wants to see how we will work with the gifts and visions He placed in us. Just like Beyonce and Jeff Bezos and Tory Burch, He gave me two hands, too…. and a heart and a vision…and a hell of a work ethic. But then, I also have this gritty faith… the kind that dares me to see what happens if I fully trust those tugs in my heart. This gritty faith dares me to walk myself into the thin because I know that whatever happens will fit into the big picture. Even the drive to write this essay and share my vulnerabilities and fear with you has a purpose. Are these words serving you like Christy’s and Mignon’s served me? I can only hope so. Because one thing that Mignon Francois said that has stuck with me is that we can’t acquire a lesson on faith and then leave it on the side of the road to be abandoned and wasted. I loved hearing her say that because it gave purpose to me sharing the words I write. It gave purpose to everything I have done in this last hard, thin year.
How will the story turn out? We don’t know, yet. You don’t get to hear how it turns out yet because I don’t know the result yet either. You only know that I’m on the thin end. I’ve invested a great deal… not only my money, but my time, my energy and my sanity, and that last one might be lost for good. It’s made me humble and grateful for every single sale of To Be a Line and every single visitor who strolls through Sarah Otts Gallery. All this is to say that everything I do is to fulfill my heart which tells me to be a bright spot, to do what I love and share it, too. Times are thin now, but I know there’s purpose through thick and through thin.
For Christmas this year, I gave my 8 year old daughter a journal with a pretty little graphic cover that says “Beautiful girl, you can do hard things.” Because I’ve decided, what holds us back, what we’re actually afraid of, isn’t failure, we are afraid of doing hard things and feeling thin times. Have courage in knowing that the God of Hope wants to carry us through it all.
Listen to Christy Wright’s Business Boutique
Episode 86. “Be More Confident By Believing in Yourself”
Featuring the oh so inspiring Mignon Francois, The Cupcake Collection.
